It’s been a while since I was on here… It feels like I’m behind on everything at the moment and the essentials have to come first, followed by any projects with deadlines. At least I’ve been out doing things so I have some excuse… I’d love to be further on with my sewing, and up to date with my scrapbooks, and have a nice tidy flat, but currently I’m not succeeding with any of them… I’m sure I’ll get there, my weekends have been busy recently so there’s been no time then either! At least now the antidepressants have kicked in I’m more able to do things with my evenings. I’m considering taking a day off sometime to just be creative and make things for birthdays and Christmas. I’ll see what else ends up happening 🙂
It’s definitely autumn here now and the days are drawing in, so here’s the first commute sunrise of the season.
As was really the idea for this blog, sometimes I just need to put down a few thoughts. Put down the baggage and walk away… I overthink things, and I worry too much about things that worrying won’t help with.
Tomorrow I have my annual review at work. Logically I know I shouldn’t worry, there’s been no problems mentioned, I’m doing more complicated work and I know a lot more now…but still the imposter syndrome has been hitting hard this week. Ridiculously, it was kicked off by a surprise payrise (I haven’t been in the job long enough to know if it’s a regular event and money is a thing people don’t discuss) and it’s the sort of thing that should fully reassure me that my boss likes my work and wants me to stay and will likely give me a good review as I’ve already had the reward, but…I still worry. I’m now earning more than I ever expected, and having starting with several low paying entrance level jobs it’s all feeling a bit surreal. I don’t feel grown up and professional, I don’t feel like I do a particularly good job of working or looking after myself and my home, I don’t feel like I’m achieving much, I want to travel but nothing’s happening, I have very little social life – basically I feel like I’m drifting by a lot of the time with little to show for it. I’m also in a very niche industry and I don’t know what’s normal here – I like stability so this doesn’t help. The payrises I’ve had in this job have been completely unexpected and made me worry that I now have to prove myself in some way, and really anxious that I might do something to suddenly not deserve it, or to make people realise that’s it’s me working here – the forgetful, shy, occasionally scruffy, distracted, self-doubting mixer up of words. Oh yes, the self-doubt; the little voice wondering if I’m good enough, clever enough, fast enough, was that a stupid question, have I bothered people too much recently, is this right, should I know that? It’s a thing that’s hard to talk about, I’m not great at expressing myself and reassurances from anyone outside of work won’t do much to stop the worries, because what would they know? I’m sure my family would instantly reassure me that I’m amazing, but they may be a little biased! And what do I say? “Do I deserve what I’m earning and when I was told I did a good job was it was actually any good?” I think I only person who can answer these questions is my manager, good thing we’ve got a talk organised tomorrow… I just need to be able to ask the questions.
I have come to the realisation that my life is fairly boring and very ordinary. Not that it’s necessarily a bad thing – I now have a nice apartment, a well paying office job, some good friends and I’m working on the social life, and I few hobbies I enjoy. But I also have a desperate urge to travel and get out there.
I’ve possibly been reading too many travel blogs but the vague idea to book cheap flights to Bergamo is now a sketched out and budgeted 5 city trip across northern Italy. Not that I really have the time or money, or it’s something I’ve ever considered before. I have a list of big trips (Iceland, southern Germany/Switzerland by train, the Norwegian coast by ferry, back to Japan…) that are expensive enough without going all out on a passing urge for a city break. I think my main problem this week is that after nearly 4 weeks medical leave I’m tired and not used to working. I also have no plans for the entire rest of this year beyond 2 trips to the theatre, which is slightly depressing and leaves a big void for the imagination to fill – and I have a good imagination!
I’m sure plenty of little things will happen to fill the gap, but I won’t stop dreaming yet 🙂
Anyway, here’s the plan (squashed up against my work notes) that probably won’t happen:
This week feels very strange. It’s already Thursday, but at the same time it’s only Thursday…